You were my best friend. I told you secrets and shared the best moments with you that nobody else did. I’m not going to lie, it was one of the hardest things to be around you and pretended that I didn’t feel anything for you. But I was too scared to say anything because I didn’t want to lose you, even as a bestfriend.
It’s funny because all of our other friends knew; to them it was obvious but you never even saw it coming.
I miss our long conversations on the phone, inside jokes only we understood or just running to you and having you comfort me when everything is going wrong. For more than a year we talked about anything and everything, from after work to when we fell asleep. You wouldn’t hang up kahit nasa bus ka na because as you said, you were “clingy”. Mahirap pala hindi kiligin kung ang taong pinupusuan mo ay nagiging malambing sayo. It was the hardest thing in the world to pretend to be happy for you when everything was going well with you and her. But it hurt even more when I would see you broken-hearted. Even if I was always there to clean up the mess, always there to give you a shoulder to cry on even if you wished I was her, it was fine.
As long as I was with you, it was what mattered.
I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t know if it were because we were friends for quite a while or if it were because even I got tired of seeing girls treating you poorly but somehow the feeling of telling you what I really felt just grew and grew. It was harder to be around you because I kept imagining me telling you what I really felt, I would imagined your reaction. Would you say you felt the same way? Would you tell me we have to stop being friends? It got so hard to keep, that one day I just took the leap and told you. Ang drama pa kasi nauna yung luha bago yung pagamin. I told you everything, from the very beginning. I cried, even if I didn’t want to, in front of you. But I told you, I don’t need you to feel the same way.
I don’t need you to love me back, I just need you to know this is what I felt for you.
Without having to say a word, when I saw you running your hand through your hair and looking down on the floor so troubled, I could tell you didn’t feel the same way at all. But you were still so nice, you listened to everything I said, you let me talk, and when we were done talking you gave me a hug before you left.
I could tell you loved me, but only as a friend.
It’s been almost half a year since I told you what I felt. Sometimes, it still flashes back in my mind. But I’ve chosen not to think about it anymore. I chose to move on. Not because you don’t feel the same way but because I think my heart deserves some peace. I loved you with every piece of my fiber and to be honest, what I feel isn’t going to magically disappear. And while we still talk, I don’t think it will ever be the same. But somehow I realized, it’s okay after all. Because for the longest time I loved you and put you first, I think it was only right I chose to tell you. It was only right that for once, I did the bravest thing and put myself first. And even if you don’t love me back the same way, at least I can now learn to fully love myself first, even if I choose to give my heart away to someone again someday.
*This letter was sent in to Giorgina.ph as an open letter entry, names have been changed for the sender’s privacy and protection while certain portions of the letter were edited by our writers for publishing purposes