It was December 2012 when I first met you. I was broken from my past that time and all I wanted was to spend time with my friends. My friend, who happened to be a classmate from your previous school asked me if she could invite you. I said yes. But at first, I was hesitant to mingle with you. You told me a joke that I will never forget. After that, we laughed and teased one another as if we’ve known each other for a long time.
There’s no denying, I was happy.
You were the first to text me. I remember the first text you wrote that December. It read, “Ingat!” I’m not sure why, but the moment I read it, I felt butterflies. We texted everyday since then, until the day you asked me if we could go out, to which I happily said yes. But before our supposed-to-be-date, you’ were gone. Bigla kang nawala.
I really didn’t know why you were suddenly gone, why the texting stopped.
Come February, you texted me out of nowhere. You said you were just busy last December and you wanted to make it up to me. You said you wanted me to be your Valentine’s date. Because of how I felt for you, there was no doubt in my mind that I would say yes. Everything was planned, the date, the place, the time. But like the first, suddenly without notice, you were just gone. How infuriated I was with you I couldn’t explain.
I couldn’t understand how you could leave a friend hanging like that.
Fast-forward to May 2013, when I was looking for players for the summer league I was organizing. An unknown number called me. The moment you said hello, I knew it was you. It was a mix of emotions but one thing was for sure, I was happy to hear your voice again. You spent most of your summer with me. We talked to each other every night, sweet and long conversations. When you got injured, ako yung nag-alaga sayo. We knew what we had that time was a mutual understanding. I fell for you unexpectedly because you made me feel loved. All along, I thought you felt the same way.
Akala ko hindi ka na mawawala. Akala ko lang pala.
For the third time, and what I had wish was the last, you were gone. I don’t know what I did. I thought we were fine, but without fail you left me hanging. Without a word. There were so many questions running through my mind and I felt helpless because it was only you who could answer it. What happened? Was I annoying? Was I not worthy of your time? Was I not worthy of your love? I couldn’t think of words to describe how hurt I was but all I knew was that I felt worthless. I always felt sad, it came to the point that I became distant to my friends and all I wanted was to go home and cry.
A few months had passed and my friend told me that you already had a girlfriend. Akala ko okay na ako, pero hindi pa pala. Nararamdaman ko ulit yung sakit. Buti pa siya mararanasan mahalin nung guy na mahal ko. Mabuti pa siya maaalagaan at hindi sasaktan nung lalaki na paulit-ulit akong sinaktan. Mabuti siya mabibigyan mo ng oras na kahit kailan hindi mo binigay sa akin.
Years have passed but I still feel the pain. The pain of not being appreciated. The pain of crying every night because of the man who used to make me laugh. The pain of being avoided by the person I want to be with. I don’t care if we got into a relationship or not. I don’t care how much time we spent together because all I really care about is my feelings for you.
I don’t know why you made such an impact on my life but I want you to know that no matter how much time passes, you will always have a special place in my heart. A place that cannot be stolen by anybody else because it is only you who owns it. I know how crazy I am about you but I believe that there will always be a perfect time for us. And if that’s too much for you. then I’m sorry for loving you this much.
*This letter was sent in to PageOne.ph as an open letter entry, names have been changed for the sender’s privacy and protection, while certain portions of the letter were edited by our writers for publishing purposes.